First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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