hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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