Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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