She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize