my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
