Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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