Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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