You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
