Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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