upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
