I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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