i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
