I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
