The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
