I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
