People in love make me want to vomit
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
wow bdsm is so cute
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
