I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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