And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
