he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
