It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize