If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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