it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
