my phone needs a breathalizer
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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