update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
