Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
