i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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