i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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