I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
