they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
