I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
