I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
