u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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