just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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