Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
