Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
