What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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