I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
