The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
