I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
