Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
