I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
