well I can't set my house on fire every night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
