I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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