Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
