I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
