That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
