I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
