I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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