my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
