after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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