If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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