i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
