had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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