we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
