so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize