i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
