They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
