Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
