I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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